It's oh so quiet.....

Still half asleep and watching big sis make their sandwiches for school

I walked in the house, threw my keys on the side and collapsed on the sofa in a heap of tears, snot and sobbing this morning.  The cats were staring at me with such confused expressions as if to say ‘but you’ve been waiting for this peace and quiet all summer’.  The house seems so empty right now and the cats are no doubt right.  I’ve spent the last six weeks wishing this day would come quicker and I now feel guilty having just handed over my son to his teacher.  It’s his first day at Primary School, no longer a toddler but a big Reception class boy all smart and styled in his spotless uniform.

The other eight children in his class all went into school without any commotion but my little man wanted to walk in with his big sister.  Even though they are in the same classroom she goes in through a different door into the Key Stage 1 cloakroom.  She had run off to be with her friends the moment we entered the playground (not even a kiss for mummy).  The teacher explained to little man that he would see his sister in the classroom but he needed to go in without her.  He had made his mind up at this point that he just wouldn’t go into school at all.

The teacher within me felt that the staff could have perhaps helped me a little more as I explained it would be easier for them to just take him off me, let me give him a quick kiss then go.  This is what we did for the last two years with little miss and it worked well because I wasn’t hanging around like a sobbing wreck each morning.  The teacher mentioned casually to a student member of staff that ‘perhaps that little man might need a hand’ but didn’t actually say what to do.  They all then walked into the school leaving hubby and I outside with an over emotional four year old clinging on to my shoulders for dear life.  We didn’t know what to do, the school door was locked so we couldn’t just follow on in, there were parents just staring at us and this student was just stood there.  We felt like total plums to be honest. 

The headmistress was having a chin wag with the regular PTA type mums and looked over at us several times before coming over.  Because the doors were locked she had to lead us through the kitchens and we finally encouraged him to walk and hold my hand rather than being carried.  As we approached the main door into the school, she broke our hands away from each other and shut the door on us quickly.  It took me by surprise as much as little man, he hadn’t given me a kiss and I could see and hear him screaming as he realised he was in school and that was it now.  I soon scarpered out of the kitchen but couldn’t help feel bad because I knew at this point he just wanted that kiss then he would be ok.  He has done the same thing at nursery and the childminder for the last two years.  He always clings and cries but then as soon as I hand him over, he snatches a quick kiss off me before being ok.  One day I forgot to do this at nursery and they commented how he didn’t seem to function properly all day.  He often shouts ‘start at the beginning’ until his mind is at a point where he can function again.  I hope he manages to find that point today and settle himself down easily.

At least my daughter didn’t seem phased about entering year two and we had no tantrums from her.  My eldest son was the same, he turned fifteen yesterday and started in year ten today.  He had left for school before anyone else was up in the house, obviously very keen.  I am a proud mummy today but as I look around this somewhat empty house now, I feel sad and alone.*

*As I typed this baby peanut decided to have a good old wriggle….I’m not alone really.

Sleepy Hollow

I’m being honest when I say the last few days have been tiring.  I have even found it hard to write about anything and feel that I want to blame being tired and emotional but ultimately feel that it is down to sheer bone idleness.  After having three successful pregnancies you would think that I know what to expect, what to look out for and what to avoid but forgive me because it all feels new to me.  I guess I suffer from selective memory loss along with the selective hearing that comes naturally to parents as it does to children. 

I seem to get done what I want to absolutely need to do and then just sit in a daze like a hollow shell until it’s time to pick the children up again.  Just the other day I commented how I’d never felt such tiredness during pregnancy but the more I think about it the more I remember how much I slept during all three pregnancies.  Having my eldest at the age of 16 was quite easy looking back, I was at the age where I could laze in bed of an evening without having to think of chores and other children.  Carrying the other two was different, I worked full time and travelled with work too.  The housework suffered, the homemade evening meals became ‘ding ding’ meals and my evenings became snooze time on the sofa. 

Last night I think I was asleep by 10pm which for me is extremely early.  I say ‘I think’ because I really don’t recall what time I was doing anything to have an idea of what time I may have nodded off.  I awoke at 6:30am under my fluffy pink blanket with a note saying ‘sorry but I tried to wake you’.  I felt so guilty and yet had slept amazingly well.  During breakfast I was doing the usual moaning about how tired I was when my Husband interrupted to comment that anyone would think I was nine months pregnant because of the way I was talking.  Initially I laughed at his remark but as the day has passed it has played on my mind a lot. 

It’s nothing to cause an argument over but do men actually realise just what our bodies are going through during early pregnancy?  Maybe it’s just my husband hoping to ignore the symptoms I’ve been moaning about.  Let’s face it, showing him my sore boobs over the breakfast must be a turn off for any guy.  The more I’ve thought about his comment, the more it has reminded me of similar comments with him twice before, both times when pregnant with the two younger children.  Maybe I need to sit and have a chat with him, again I don’t wish to cause an argument but I want him to realise just how wiped out I am feeling at the moment.  I really don’t want to be in that position again like six years ago where the day I gave birth to my daughter I cried to my Mum on the phone because he hadn’t offered me a cup of tea since we got home.

I also laughed about a remark he made during my last pregnancy the day after I discovered that I was with child.  He was wondering how I could be all of a sudden tired, feeling bloated and having back ache.  He had a fair point and to be honest after breeding what feels like a football team I now feel equipped with the knowledge to answer him.  It isn’t all of a sudden and he’s right.  What does happen, in my opinion at least, is that the symptoms, especially tiredness, is there all along but because we then discover that our bodies are now incubators and changes are happening our senses are more aware so we notice things more.  It is also a lot easier to admit that we are tired when pregnant and haven’t actually got of our backsides all day.  Notice how I’m saying our, I sure hope others are like this, if not I really am just a lazy person.  I just hope this feeling passes soon, my to-do list is growing daily and the summer holidays are growing nearer.

The Tutor

Friday 8^th July 2011

The battle-axe of a tutor wasn’t quite as harsh and ‘matter of fact’ as I was expecting yesterday.  I even caused her to chortle a little by saying, ‘I thought I’d give you extra to worry about over the summer holidays’.  She was very helpful in explaining the options open to me for the second year of my degree.

  Instead of taking a full year out now and having no money for a year, I shall start back in September and carry on with University until the baby is due.  This will however have slight implications, mainly with the School Based Training which I need to pass to move onto Year 3.  During the Autumn term I will be required to do a two week early years placement however some schools do refuse to take pregnant students so that could cause problems with finding somewhere to do the placement.  I am rather optimistic and hope that the schools will be quite accommodating because I won’t be that far along in the pregnancy by then. 

The other major placement I have is February to March where I will need to do a 6 week placement.  It will be impossible for me to do this placement because I should be about ready to spit out the watermelon.  Oh the pain!  What I will need to do is find a school who will accommodate me on a 6 week placement in May onwards.  Sounds simple but apparently a lot of school refuse to do this.  So, I may have to get used to the idea that I have already failed the second year of the degree course.  I refuse to be negative though and say why bother going back, I shall give it 100% and hope that I find a way to progress to Year 3.

New Era

Wednesday 6^th July 2011

I was so tired after the hectic day yesterday that I slept like a log.  My eldest woke me early this morning to inform me that the cat was stuck on the loft roof.  A clothes prop and skipping rope later I was fishing for cat out of my bedroom window.

After a few more conversations with my husband I had a chat with a Midwife on the telephone.  She was very helpful and I now have more information to work with to move forward with this pregnancy.  It is very early days yet, approx. 5 weeks but even still, it’s scary and exciting.  It’s a new life that has formed and I cannot wait.

My Mother-in-law thought we were joking when we told her on the phone this evening.  She had her concerns regarding my health but was wholly supportive of our decision.  I spoke to my own Mum who seemed supportive but still had to ask if it was the right decision for me.  I was still quite upset by this.  It does lead me to wonder if my sister had the same conversations with Mum or whether they treated her differently.  I do need to stop worrying about how she is being treated compared to me but I would like some emotion other than anger or worry directed at me at some point in the future.

My mother is making me feel like I am disappointing her, she tried to change my mind again by pointing out all the bad things about becoming a parent again.  I love her deeply and do respect her fears for my health but I long to have that motherly support and approval which I seem to rarely get.  Even with my studies I feel that only my husband respects just how much hard work I put in these days.

We also told the children today.  Truthfully I would have preferred to wait until I was out of the danger stages but the children do jump on me and quite often on my stomach.  They also  treat me like a slave and usually demand something there and then with no room for negotiation if I’ve just sat down.  In order to get them to understand just how tired I am and how I need to take it easy, telling them about the baby was the only option.  They all seem thrilled and the younger two are already falling out over who will do the feeds at 2am.  I’m not sure that idea will last long.

Choices and Chaos

Tuesday 5^th July 2011

What a day !  If yesterday’s traumatic trip to the dentist was a challenge then this was my Everest.  I had planned a lovely relaxing morning, a little housework, a nice coffee and a catch up on some paperwork.  Sadly this didn’t happen. 

I did however get a fantastic text off my husband confirming that he had told a friend about my pregnancy.  So does this mean we’re having a baby?  Can I get excited fully yet?  Last night we talked through a lot of the issues and came to the conclusion that perhaps we can do this.  We can have four children and make it work.  The decision was aided by the very helpful lady at University who went through the financial options for me.  Even though I still need to finalise plans with my tutor it is still very possible to continue my course.

This morning  I was so overjoyed, I did what I needed to in town and returned home to have my relaxing day.  All the time I had been excited inside thinking ‘eeek, I’m having a baby’ rather than ‘oh, I’m pregnant’.  Five minutes into my relaxing time, the phone rang.  My eldest son had a headache at school and could I take him some paracetamol. I rushed to the shop as we had non in and delivered it to the school.  I knew he had an exam at last period so there was no way I was going to be soft on him.  Having just got home, the phone rang, he was now feeling sick.  At the same time the other phone rang, it was my daughter’s school.  Her toothache was bad and could I call in to give her some Calpol.  I rushed to the shop (I really need to stock up more often) and bought Calpol, rushed to school to administer the pain relief to the now happily skipping 6 year old and slumped in my car shattered.  I then rushed to the Doctors appointment that I had at 11:30 only to still be say there at 12:45.  I had to leave without being seen because my youngest needed picking up from nursery and dropping off at the Primary School for his taster afternoon ready for September.  We made it just in time for him to go in.  I was a proud Mummy until the eldest started texting me to tell me of his impending death from illness and could I rush to his rescue.  I hadn’t even stopped for lunch.  Picking my youngest up from school was lovely.  He really enjoyed himself and promptly fell asleep after a bowl of Ready Brek at 4:30pm.  Bliss.

And one more means four? More like chaos, but good chaos.

Coping or Surviving?

Monday 4^th July 2011

Had a small but meaningful chat with my Dad today.  He seems to have digested the news better than Mum.  They can’t make a decision for me but they can be there to support whatever option I choose.  My husband knows that I want this baby, I’ve opened up to him.  The thoughts of cruelty and un-want kept me awake again last night.  I look at my children now, pains in the backside at times but all unique and individual too.  They are lovely children who just seem a tad hyperactive at times.  I’m sure we’ll cope as a family.

I coped today at least.  Well, kind of coped.  It was more of a bad day turned hectic.  The Primary School was closed for a training day so not only was my daughter at home but my son was too because the childminder was taking a day off.  My daughter had toothache so I managed to get her to the dentist for an emergency filling.  The poor little live was ever so brave but she’s been in pain ever since/  If I can cope with her screaming and the youngest causing havoc in the dentists, I can cope with anything.

Selfish Excitement

Sunday 3^rd July 2011

I saw another close friend last night for a cuppa and a chat.  They too have had a baby taken from them in the same way which I am contemplating.  Before I left the house, my husband bared his soul, his pain and anguish at feeling so selfish in his thoughts regarding termination.  We shared a moment together, I fear we are both feeling this way.  We have our life together on track for the first time in many years.  I have made real progress the last two years both mentally and academically.  Would it be fair to bring another child into the world?  I fear the excitement within is consuming my thoughts more rapidly now.  He knows that I want this child, he also knows that if his decision is so strong and final that I will also stand by him and not go against his wishes.

Marriage is a partnership and we are only just discovering this after seven years.  What I cannot understand is that this decision is crushing me more than I expected.  I was sixteen when pregnancy first became an issue for me.  Abortion, termination, ‘getting rid’ never even entered my thoughts.  I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in a stable relationship at all.  I was a child myself.  So why now am I being more thorough in my judgement? What do I know now that I didn’t know then?  Is it my inner conscience telling me that I haven’t given my children the love and support they deserve already?  Is it just me being selfish thinking of nappies, weaning and the dreaded breast feeding again?  Perhaps I’m just older and wiser and have more touch on reality now with having three children already.  Time will tell.

Fear the Parents

Saturday 2^nd July 2011

Whatever decision I make I shall have to tell my parents.  I don’t want to.  I know I need to but I just cannot face the ‘what have you done?’ accusations again.  All of my children came at inappropriate times according to my parents.  They have never actually said this, maybe I am wrong however it’s the general feeling I have been left with.  When my sister announced her news of forthcoming Grandchildren it always appeared to be a happy occasion.  For me however, more sombre times with the parents looking harassed and stressed giving off those vibes of ‘oh shit’.

I went to my parents mid-way through this post.  I told Mum and guess what, no fireworks and champagne.  I fully understand that it wouldn’t have been a joyous occasion and the fact that my two youngest children had just spent half an hour strangling each other didn’t help.  But what I wasn’t expecting was the clear lack of sympathy from my Mum.  She has made her feelings quite clear that termination is the only option.  I wonder if she said this to my sister a few months ago when she announced the arrival of her third child.  I wonder if she said this when my sister announced in May that actually the third child would be third and fourth because she’s carrying twins.  I doubt it.  All we’ve heard about since April is baby this, twins that. 

So why can’t she even give me a hug?  I’ve explained that termination is something we are having to consider, I was crying as I was telling her and yet she just looked so disappointed in me.  I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and now I feel that I have no option but to supress that twang of excitement inside me even more.  Each day it has been growing and now and then has been forcing me to smile at the thought of holding a newborn baby in my arms again.  No more.  I need to really and truly decide what to do for the best here.  There’s obviously going to be a clear lack of support from my parents.  I don’t mean financially or for childcare, I mean emotional support.  That absence of a hug said it all to me.

Familiar Choices

Friday 1^st July 2011

I had a lovely chat with a close friend last night.  One who knows from first-hand experience exactly what I am going through.  She confirmed my fears, I shall regret this forever if I make the wrong choice.  What would life be without challenges to keep us focused and motivated?  What is a normal life that my Husband and I yearn for?  Maybe this is normal. 

I can imagine there are many women throughout the world asking themselves the same questions.  This year has indeed been a challenge for me.  I’ve overcome breast cancer, I walked 13 miles in just over three hours to raise money and most of all, I passed the first year of my Primary Teaching Degree.  How can I give up on that now?  I’ve worked so hard for two years no to be able to get this far at University.  The Access course at college was demanding but not a patch on the first year at University with the school placements alongside.

The finance for students is far from wonderful however, it is something. If I was to defer my course for a year it would mean living on nothing, maybe even losing the house.  My Husband has been thinking the same too.  His fears are, that for the life of a newborn baby we could be putting the security of a good home and future career at risk for myself and the children that we already have.  It hurts so much inside to work out what to do for the best.  What is best?

Deep Contemplation

Thursday 30^th June 2011

I think my Husband is now over the initial shock of being told that his sperm was being too efficient again and is now thinking things through logically.  I can tell that a fourth child isn’t on the top of his priorities in life right now.  To be honest, it didn’t feature in my life either.  My body is already showing slight changes, my boobs are sore and I now know why Actimel isn’t shifting that bloated feeling I’ve had for a few weeks. 

The throbbing in my head is so immense from the pressure of trying to decide what route to take with my future.  What path should I turn down? Do I extend my already chaotic and hectic family or do I make that awful choice to look after number one for a change and concentrate on those already special in my life? I couldn’t sleep last night, I fear tonight will be the same.

To be or not to be?

Wednesday 29th June 2011

Today I found out that I am to expect the patter of tiny feet for what feels like the umpteenth time in my life.  There are people around the world who would be overjoyed at this news and others who would have that feeling of falling rapidly into Alice's rabbit hole.  Unfortunately, I am in the latter group.  I say unfortunately because I already have three wonderful children but have also lost three wonderful babies before they were born.

At this moment in time I am in fear of telling my Husband and family.  I fear there will be a general consensus that I cannot cope with a fourth child.  The three I have are very demanding in their own ways and I do struggle to do day to day activities because of the mental exhaustion that plagues me.  My family will ultimately be worried about my mental health because they are the ones who had to help me re-build my life four years ago after the birth of my third child. 

There are financial implications that I fear may be a deciding factor for the future of this unborn child.  Do materialistic things such as money matter when it comes to the creation of new life?  Can anyone truly afford children?  I need to do some serious thinking, I can envisage a lot of caffeine and sleepless nights ahead of me now. 

To terminate a pregnancy sounds so harsh and cruel.  The word abortion isn’t one I truly want to think about.  I am 32, I can do this, there is already a twang of excitement deep inside me but I know it will be short lived when I deliver the news to others.