Sunday, 3 July 2011

Selfish Excitement

Sunday 3rd July 2011
I saw another close friend last night for a cuppa and a chat.  They too have had a baby taken from them in the same way which I am contemplating.  Before I left the house, my husband bared his soul, his pain and anguish at feeling so selfish in his thoughts regarding termination.  We shared a moment together, I fear we are both feeling this way.  We have our life together on track for the first time in many years.  I have made real progress the last two years both mentally and academically.  Would it be fair to bring another child into the world?  I fear the excitement within is consuming my thoughts more rapidly now.  He knows that I want this child, he also knows that if his decision is so strong and final that I will also stand by him and not go against his wishes.
Marriage is a partnership and we are only just discovering this after seven years.  What I cannot understand is that this decision is crushing me more than I expected.  I was sixteen when pregnancy first became an issue for me.  Abortion, termination, ‘getting rid’ never even entered my thoughts.  I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in a stable relationship at all.  I was a child myself.  So why now am I being more thorough in my judgement? What do I know now that I didn’t know then?  Is it my inner conscience telling me that I haven’t given my children the love and support they deserve already?  Is it just me being selfish thinking of nappies, weaning and the dreaded breast feeding again?  Perhaps I’m just older and wiser and have more touch on reality now with having three children already.  Time will tell.

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