Say hello to the peanut

I’ve had a good few weeks break from blogging, mainly because I’ve been away on our Summer hols but also because having the three children at home all day is definitely proving to be more time consuming than I thought.  The housework and study for the next year of my degree have also been neglected while I struggle to entertain the nippers pretending to be Skelator or He-Man throughout the long and mainly wet days. 

9 Week Scan

I went for my first scan three weeks ago and it turned out that I was 9 weeks pregnant so had to go back yesterday for another scan and to have the NT test for Downs Syndrome.  I have been put under the care of a consultant at the hospital rather than a midwife.  Initially it was a shock to see the words ‘high risk’ written on my file but now I am comfortable with it and believe I am getting the best care that they can offer.

The first scan was good, we took the two younger children with us who were fascinated seeing their baby brother or sister doing acrobatics inside my tummy.  This excitement lasted all of two minutes before they decided to tear around the radiographers room and cause havoc.  This havoc then spread into the corridors while I was talking to the consultant so my husband took them for a walk.  Sometimes it is nice to involve the younger children but sometimes it is also nice to be able to listen to what the medical staff are saying to you.

What did worry me was that for the second time I had to give the dates of birth and birth weights of my three children.  I was struggling to recall the precise weights because I was so stressed with the noise of my kiddies and from being on the spot wondering why they didn’t already have this on file.  After all, I’d gone through all the births and miscarriages at the booking-in appointment but also the fact that all three of my children were born at the same hospital made me worry slightly.  The consultant was concerned that my three previous children were low birth weight for a person of my height (6ft).  My first child was 9lb, second was 7lb 8 and the third was 8lb 7, for me these are plenty big enough, I don’t want to be churning out 10lb plus babies thank you very much.

12 Week Scan

At the second scan yesterday, baby peanut had grown quite a lot and was rather more relaxed.  It was just lying in my stomach and kicking me now and then whenever the scan equipment was pressed down quite hard.  We hadn’t taken the children with us today so it was a lot more relaxed and while she took the measurements of the baby’s neck we had a good chance to sit and look at our little peanut.  I won’t lie, I cried.

After the scan we waited for a further hour to see the consultant.  During this time we couldn’t escape the BabyTV DVD that seemed to be on a loop in the waiting room.  All was going well until they were showing Ann Diamond and her cot death warnings followed by a short clip about not leaving a child in the bath alone. 

Eventually we got seen to, apparently there had been some mix up with my files and it was showing that I only had one child (my 14 year old).  We had to go through all my previous history yet again while they blamed the computer for misplacing the information.  Whatever happened to the good old pen and paper, we never had such problems back then.  Out of the blue I burst out crying uncontrollably, the images of that child going underwater in the bath while it’s mother was on the phone really scared me and I was just sobbing my eyes out.  I felt rather stupid when I calmed down and explained that videos like that always upset me.

Eventually we filled in all the missing information and proceeded to have the blood test taken for the NT test.  It’s rather crazy to think that the size of the baby’s neck from the scan and a blood test can determine the chances of the baby having Downs Syndrome.  I have another meeting with the consultant in a few weeks and a Community Midwife appointment after I return from Norway in September followed by a scan early October.  Busy bee from now on.

On the edge

Sunday 10^th July 2011

Yesterday flew by so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to write anything down and apart from a bad back, sore boobs and lots of sickness there wasn’t much to report.  I have now informed the world of my stupidity in becoming a mummy again for the fourth time, the broadcast on Facebook was a necessity because my kids were dying to say things to their friends and I didn’t want other friends finding out by word of mouth. 

I wasn’t on Facebook when I had the other three children so never had to think of a way to announce it until now, how was I to know a lot of people would get upset?  Not because of the way I announced it but purely because I am pregnant again.  I fear that I shall have a few less friends over the next few months but that is their choice and I cannot influence that at all.  What they do need to realise though is that we haven’t taken this decision lightly at all.  Yes our life isn’t ideal, I do have my own health problems and yes I do know that our relationship can be explosive at times. 

To those who feel that I cannot cope with the three children already then let me be the first to say, I agree.  But parents all cope in their own way, some like to be out and about mingling with others and being super parents at the park 24/7 but some just like to muddle on alone and not in the public eye while they are dealing with their children’s inability to behave.  And for me, I do prefer to stay at home and that is my decision.  To you it may appear that I cannot cope however I feel more in control when I can manage my children’s behaviour in my own house, my own garden rather than becoming that screaming fishwife in the local park who is constantly telling their children off. 

This decision that I have made will be at the front of my thoughts for the remainder of this pregnancy and believe me, it’s not easy thinking each day over choices being right or wrong.  My emotions have been especially torn each morning when my two younger children are screaming the house down because they cannot play nicely together without adult supervision.  My husband usually sees to them at this point because when I do eventually sleep it would take a nuke to wake me up and not world war 3 going on downstairs in the kids bedroom.  This is now driving him mad and today I felt ‘told off’ when he announced that I shall have to start seeing to the children when they get like that because it’s wearing him out.  Initially, I felt like starting an argument and pointing out all of the things that I do with the house and children that tire me out but I had no energy, my boobs feel like they are about to explode and my back, yet again is throbbing.  I just nodded and agreed but now I am worrying about it.  It does take a lot to wake me, I was always good with the children when they were babies but now their cat fights don’t seem to wake me.  I felt so sick at the thought of being told off and I don’t think he meant to make me feel like that but is this a taste of things to come?  I don’t think I could cope with all this again. 

On the other hand though, it is 9:45am and I am awake with the kiddies who are now playing in the garden and he is still in bed, but even still, he has been up and down to them early this morning.  Maybe I should start pointing out that I rarely stay in bed like that, once I’m awake I just get up and at ‘em.  Or maybe I should just leave it?  Why cause an argument just for the sake of making a point or standing up for myself?  I don’t want to argue but hearing that this morning has made me feel so bad in myself.

New Era

Wednesday 6^th July 2011

I was so tired after the hectic day yesterday that I slept like a log.  My eldest woke me early this morning to inform me that the cat was stuck on the loft roof.  A clothes prop and skipping rope later I was fishing for cat out of my bedroom window.

After a few more conversations with my husband I had a chat with a Midwife on the telephone.  She was very helpful and I now have more information to work with to move forward with this pregnancy.  It is very early days yet, approx. 5 weeks but even still, it’s scary and exciting.  It’s a new life that has formed and I cannot wait.

My Mother-in-law thought we were joking when we told her on the phone this evening.  She had her concerns regarding my health but was wholly supportive of our decision.  I spoke to my own Mum who seemed supportive but still had to ask if it was the right decision for me.  I was still quite upset by this.  It does lead me to wonder if my sister had the same conversations with Mum or whether they treated her differently.  I do need to stop worrying about how she is being treated compared to me but I would like some emotion other than anger or worry directed at me at some point in the future.

My mother is making me feel like I am disappointing her, she tried to change my mind again by pointing out all the bad things about becoming a parent again.  I love her deeply and do respect her fears for my health but I long to have that motherly support and approval which I seem to rarely get.  Even with my studies I feel that only my husband respects just how much hard work I put in these days.

We also told the children today.  Truthfully I would have preferred to wait until I was out of the danger stages but the children do jump on me and quite often on my stomach.  They also  treat me like a slave and usually demand something there and then with no room for negotiation if I’ve just sat down.  In order to get them to understand just how tired I am and how I need to take it easy, telling them about the baby was the only option.  They all seem thrilled and the younger two are already falling out over who will do the feeds at 2am.  I’m not sure that idea will last long.

Choices and Chaos

Tuesday 5^th July 2011

What a day !  If yesterday’s traumatic trip to the dentist was a challenge then this was my Everest.  I had planned a lovely relaxing morning, a little housework, a nice coffee and a catch up on some paperwork.  Sadly this didn’t happen. 

I did however get a fantastic text off my husband confirming that he had told a friend about my pregnancy.  So does this mean we’re having a baby?  Can I get excited fully yet?  Last night we talked through a lot of the issues and came to the conclusion that perhaps we can do this.  We can have four children and make it work.  The decision was aided by the very helpful lady at University who went through the financial options for me.  Even though I still need to finalise plans with my tutor it is still very possible to continue my course.

This morning  I was so overjoyed, I did what I needed to in town and returned home to have my relaxing day.  All the time I had been excited inside thinking ‘eeek, I’m having a baby’ rather than ‘oh, I’m pregnant’.  Five minutes into my relaxing time, the phone rang.  My eldest son had a headache at school and could I take him some paracetamol. I rushed to the shop as we had non in and delivered it to the school.  I knew he had an exam at last period so there was no way I was going to be soft on him.  Having just got home, the phone rang, he was now feeling sick.  At the same time the other phone rang, it was my daughter’s school.  Her toothache was bad and could I call in to give her some Calpol.  I rushed to the shop (I really need to stock up more often) and bought Calpol, rushed to school to administer the pain relief to the now happily skipping 6 year old and slumped in my car shattered.  I then rushed to the Doctors appointment that I had at 11:30 only to still be say there at 12:45.  I had to leave without being seen because my youngest needed picking up from nursery and dropping off at the Primary School for his taster afternoon ready for September.  We made it just in time for him to go in.  I was a proud Mummy until the eldest started texting me to tell me of his impending death from illness and could I rush to his rescue.  I hadn’t even stopped for lunch.  Picking my youngest up from school was lovely.  He really enjoyed himself and promptly fell asleep after a bowl of Ready Brek at 4:30pm.  Bliss.

And one more means four? More like chaos, but good chaos.

Coping or Surviving?

Monday 4^th July 2011

Had a small but meaningful chat with my Dad today.  He seems to have digested the news better than Mum.  They can’t make a decision for me but they can be there to support whatever option I choose.  My husband knows that I want this baby, I’ve opened up to him.  The thoughts of cruelty and un-want kept me awake again last night.  I look at my children now, pains in the backside at times but all unique and individual too.  They are lovely children who just seem a tad hyperactive at times.  I’m sure we’ll cope as a family.

I coped today at least.  Well, kind of coped.  It was more of a bad day turned hectic.  The Primary School was closed for a training day so not only was my daughter at home but my son was too because the childminder was taking a day off.  My daughter had toothache so I managed to get her to the dentist for an emergency filling.  The poor little live was ever so brave but she’s been in pain ever since/  If I can cope with her screaming and the youngest causing havoc in the dentists, I can cope with anything.