On the edge

Sunday 10^th July 2011

Yesterday flew by so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to write anything down and apart from a bad back, sore boobs and lots of sickness there wasn’t much to report.  I have now informed the world of my stupidity in becoming a mummy again for the fourth time, the broadcast on Facebook was a necessity because my kids were dying to say things to their friends and I didn’t want other friends finding out by word of mouth. 

I wasn’t on Facebook when I had the other three children so never had to think of a way to announce it until now, how was I to know a lot of people would get upset?  Not because of the way I announced it but purely because I am pregnant again.  I fear that I shall have a few less friends over the next few months but that is their choice and I cannot influence that at all.  What they do need to realise though is that we haven’t taken this decision lightly at all.  Yes our life isn’t ideal, I do have my own health problems and yes I do know that our relationship can be explosive at times. 

To those who feel that I cannot cope with the three children already then let me be the first to say, I agree.  But parents all cope in their own way, some like to be out and about mingling with others and being super parents at the park 24/7 but some just like to muddle on alone and not in the public eye while they are dealing with their children’s inability to behave.  And for me, I do prefer to stay at home and that is my decision.  To you it may appear that I cannot cope however I feel more in control when I can manage my children’s behaviour in my own house, my own garden rather than becoming that screaming fishwife in the local park who is constantly telling their children off. 

This decision that I have made will be at the front of my thoughts for the remainder of this pregnancy and believe me, it’s not easy thinking each day over choices being right or wrong.  My emotions have been especially torn each morning when my two younger children are screaming the house down because they cannot play nicely together without adult supervision.  My husband usually sees to them at this point because when I do eventually sleep it would take a nuke to wake me up and not world war 3 going on downstairs in the kids bedroom.  This is now driving him mad and today I felt ‘told off’ when he announced that I shall have to start seeing to the children when they get like that because it’s wearing him out.  Initially, I felt like starting an argument and pointing out all of the things that I do with the house and children that tire me out but I had no energy, my boobs feel like they are about to explode and my back, yet again is throbbing.  I just nodded and agreed but now I am worrying about it.  It does take a lot to wake me, I was always good with the children when they were babies but now their cat fights don’t seem to wake me.  I felt so sick at the thought of being told off and I don’t think he meant to make me feel like that but is this a taste of things to come?  I don’t think I could cope with all this again. 

On the other hand though, it is 9:45am and I am awake with the kiddies who are now playing in the garden and he is still in bed, but even still, he has been up and down to them early this morning.  Maybe I should start pointing out that I rarely stay in bed like that, once I’m awake I just get up and at ‘em.  Or maybe I should just leave it?  Why cause an argument just for the sake of making a point or standing up for myself?  I don’t want to argue but hearing that this morning has made me feel so bad in myself.

New Era

Wednesday 6^th July 2011

I was so tired after the hectic day yesterday that I slept like a log.  My eldest woke me early this morning to inform me that the cat was stuck on the loft roof.  A clothes prop and skipping rope later I was fishing for cat out of my bedroom window.

After a few more conversations with my husband I had a chat with a Midwife on the telephone.  She was very helpful and I now have more information to work with to move forward with this pregnancy.  It is very early days yet, approx. 5 weeks but even still, it’s scary and exciting.  It’s a new life that has formed and I cannot wait.

My Mother-in-law thought we were joking when we told her on the phone this evening.  She had her concerns regarding my health but was wholly supportive of our decision.  I spoke to my own Mum who seemed supportive but still had to ask if it was the right decision for me.  I was still quite upset by this.  It does lead me to wonder if my sister had the same conversations with Mum or whether they treated her differently.  I do need to stop worrying about how she is being treated compared to me but I would like some emotion other than anger or worry directed at me at some point in the future.

My mother is making me feel like I am disappointing her, she tried to change my mind again by pointing out all the bad things about becoming a parent again.  I love her deeply and do respect her fears for my health but I long to have that motherly support and approval which I seem to rarely get.  Even with my studies I feel that only my husband respects just how much hard work I put in these days.

We also told the children today.  Truthfully I would have preferred to wait until I was out of the danger stages but the children do jump on me and quite often on my stomach.  They also  treat me like a slave and usually demand something there and then with no room for negotiation if I’ve just sat down.  In order to get them to understand just how tired I am and how I need to take it easy, telling them about the baby was the only option.  They all seem thrilled and the younger two are already falling out over who will do the feeds at 2am.  I’m not sure that idea will last long.