Saturday 2nd July 2011
Whatever decision I make I shall have to tell my parents. I don’t want to. I know I need to but I just cannot face the ‘what have you done?’ accusations again. All of my children came at inappropriate times according to my parents. They have never actually said this, maybe I am wrong however it’s the general feeling I have been left with. When my sister announced her news of forthcoming Grandchildren it always appeared to be a happy occasion. For me however, more sombre times with the parents looking harassed and stressed giving off those vibes of ‘oh shit’.
I went to my parents mid-way through this post. I told Mum and guess what, no fireworks and champagne. I fully understand that it wouldn’t have been a joyous occasion and the fact that my two youngest children had just spent half an hour strangling each other didn’t help. But what I wasn’t expecting was the clear lack of sympathy from my Mum. She has made her feelings quite clear that termination is the only option. I wonder if she said this to my sister a few months ago when she announced the arrival of her third child. I wonder if she said this when my sister announced in May that actually the third child would be third and fourth because she’s carrying twins. I doubt it. All we’ve heard about since April is baby this, twins that.
So why can’t she even give me a hug? I’ve explained that termination is something we are having to consider, I was crying as I was telling her and yet she just looked so disappointed in me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and now I feel that I have no option but to supress that twang of excitement inside me even more. Each day it has been growing and now and then has been forcing me to smile at the thought of holding a newborn baby in my arms again. No more. I need to really and truly decide what to do for the best here. There’s obviously going to be a clear lack of support from my parents. I don’t mean financially or for childcare, I mean emotional support. That absence of a hug said it all to me.