Choices and Chaos

Tuesday 5^th July 2011

What a day !  If yesterday’s traumatic trip to the dentist was a challenge then this was my Everest.  I had planned a lovely relaxing morning, a little housework, a nice coffee and a catch up on some paperwork.  Sadly this didn’t happen. 

I did however get a fantastic text off my husband confirming that he had told a friend about my pregnancy.  So does this mean we’re having a baby?  Can I get excited fully yet?  Last night we talked through a lot of the issues and came to the conclusion that perhaps we can do this.  We can have four children and make it work.  The decision was aided by the very helpful lady at University who went through the financial options for me.  Even though I still need to finalise plans with my tutor it is still very possible to continue my course.

This morning  I was so overjoyed, I did what I needed to in town and returned home to have my relaxing day.  All the time I had been excited inside thinking ‘eeek, I’m having a baby’ rather than ‘oh, I’m pregnant’.  Five minutes into my relaxing time, the phone rang.  My eldest son had a headache at school and could I take him some paracetamol. I rushed to the shop as we had non in and delivered it to the school.  I knew he had an exam at last period so there was no way I was going to be soft on him.  Having just got home, the phone rang, he was now feeling sick.  At the same time the other phone rang, it was my daughter’s school.  Her toothache was bad and could I call in to give her some Calpol.  I rushed to the shop (I really need to stock up more often) and bought Calpol, rushed to school to administer the pain relief to the now happily skipping 6 year old and slumped in my car shattered.  I then rushed to the Doctors appointment that I had at 11:30 only to still be say there at 12:45.  I had to leave without being seen because my youngest needed picking up from nursery and dropping off at the Primary School for his taster afternoon ready for September.  We made it just in time for him to go in.  I was a proud Mummy until the eldest started texting me to tell me of his impending death from illness and could I rush to his rescue.  I hadn’t even stopped for lunch.  Picking my youngest up from school was lovely.  He really enjoyed himself and promptly fell asleep after a bowl of Ready Brek at 4:30pm.  Bliss.

And one more means four? More like chaos, but good chaos.

Coping or Surviving?

Monday 4^th July 2011

Had a small but meaningful chat with my Dad today.  He seems to have digested the news better than Mum.  They can’t make a decision for me but they can be there to support whatever option I choose.  My husband knows that I want this baby, I’ve opened up to him.  The thoughts of cruelty and un-want kept me awake again last night.  I look at my children now, pains in the backside at times but all unique and individual too.  They are lovely children who just seem a tad hyperactive at times.  I’m sure we’ll cope as a family.

I coped today at least.  Well, kind of coped.  It was more of a bad day turned hectic.  The Primary School was closed for a training day so not only was my daughter at home but my son was too because the childminder was taking a day off.  My daughter had toothache so I managed to get her to the dentist for an emergency filling.  The poor little live was ever so brave but she’s been in pain ever since/  If I can cope with her screaming and the youngest causing havoc in the dentists, I can cope with anything.

Selfish Excitement

Sunday 3^rd July 2011

I saw another close friend last night for a cuppa and a chat.  They too have had a baby taken from them in the same way which I am contemplating.  Before I left the house, my husband bared his soul, his pain and anguish at feeling so selfish in his thoughts regarding termination.  We shared a moment together, I fear we are both feeling this way.  We have our life together on track for the first time in many years.  I have made real progress the last two years both mentally and academically.  Would it be fair to bring another child into the world?  I fear the excitement within is consuming my thoughts more rapidly now.  He knows that I want this child, he also knows that if his decision is so strong and final that I will also stand by him and not go against his wishes.

Marriage is a partnership and we are only just discovering this after seven years.  What I cannot understand is that this decision is crushing me more than I expected.  I was sixteen when pregnancy first became an issue for me.  Abortion, termination, ‘getting rid’ never even entered my thoughts.  I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in a stable relationship at all.  I was a child myself.  So why now am I being more thorough in my judgement? What do I know now that I didn’t know then?  Is it my inner conscience telling me that I haven’t given my children the love and support they deserve already?  Is it just me being selfish thinking of nappies, weaning and the dreaded breast feeding again?  Perhaps I’m just older and wiser and have more touch on reality now with having three children already.  Time will tell.

Fear the Parents

Saturday 2^nd July 2011

Whatever decision I make I shall have to tell my parents.  I don’t want to.  I know I need to but I just cannot face the ‘what have you done?’ accusations again.  All of my children came at inappropriate times according to my parents.  They have never actually said this, maybe I am wrong however it’s the general feeling I have been left with.  When my sister announced her news of forthcoming Grandchildren it always appeared to be a happy occasion.  For me however, more sombre times with the parents looking harassed and stressed giving off those vibes of ‘oh shit’.

I went to my parents mid-way through this post.  I told Mum and guess what, no fireworks and champagne.  I fully understand that it wouldn’t have been a joyous occasion and the fact that my two youngest children had just spent half an hour strangling each other didn’t help.  But what I wasn’t expecting was the clear lack of sympathy from my Mum.  She has made her feelings quite clear that termination is the only option.  I wonder if she said this to my sister a few months ago when she announced the arrival of her third child.  I wonder if she said this when my sister announced in May that actually the third child would be third and fourth because she’s carrying twins.  I doubt it.  All we’ve heard about since April is baby this, twins that. 

So why can’t she even give me a hug?  I’ve explained that termination is something we are having to consider, I was crying as I was telling her and yet she just looked so disappointed in me.  I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and now I feel that I have no option but to supress that twang of excitement inside me even more.  Each day it has been growing and now and then has been forcing me to smile at the thought of holding a newborn baby in my arms again.  No more.  I need to really and truly decide what to do for the best here.  There’s obviously going to be a clear lack of support from my parents.  I don’t mean financially or for childcare, I mean emotional support.  That absence of a hug said it all to me.

Familiar Choices

Friday 1^st July 2011

I had a lovely chat with a close friend last night.  One who knows from first-hand experience exactly what I am going through.  She confirmed my fears, I shall regret this forever if I make the wrong choice.  What would life be without challenges to keep us focused and motivated?  What is a normal life that my Husband and I yearn for?  Maybe this is normal. 

I can imagine there are many women throughout the world asking themselves the same questions.  This year has indeed been a challenge for me.  I’ve overcome breast cancer, I walked 13 miles in just over three hours to raise money and most of all, I passed the first year of my Primary Teaching Degree.  How can I give up on that now?  I’ve worked so hard for two years no to be able to get this far at University.  The Access course at college was demanding but not a patch on the first year at University with the school placements alongside.

The finance for students is far from wonderful however, it is something. If I was to defer my course for a year it would mean living on nothing, maybe even losing the house.  My Husband has been thinking the same too.  His fears are, that for the life of a newborn baby we could be putting the security of a good home and future career at risk for myself and the children that we already have.  It hurts so much inside to work out what to do for the best.  What is best?

Deep Contemplation

Thursday 30^th June 2011

I think my Husband is now over the initial shock of being told that his sperm was being too efficient again and is now thinking things through logically.  I can tell that a fourth child isn’t on the top of his priorities in life right now.  To be honest, it didn’t feature in my life either.  My body is already showing slight changes, my boobs are sore and I now know why Actimel isn’t shifting that bloated feeling I’ve had for a few weeks. 

The throbbing in my head is so immense from the pressure of trying to decide what route to take with my future.  What path should I turn down? Do I extend my already chaotic and hectic family or do I make that awful choice to look after number one for a change and concentrate on those already special in my life? I couldn’t sleep last night, I fear tonight will be the same.