On the edge

Sunday 10^th July 2011

Yesterday flew by so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to write anything down and apart from a bad back, sore boobs and lots of sickness there wasn’t much to report.  I have now informed the world of my stupidity in becoming a mummy again for the fourth time, the broadcast on Facebook was a necessity because my kids were dying to say things to their friends and I didn’t want other friends finding out by word of mouth. 

I wasn’t on Facebook when I had the other three children so never had to think of a way to announce it until now, how was I to know a lot of people would get upset?  Not because of the way I announced it but purely because I am pregnant again.  I fear that I shall have a few less friends over the next few months but that is their choice and I cannot influence that at all.  What they do need to realise though is that we haven’t taken this decision lightly at all.  Yes our life isn’t ideal, I do have my own health problems and yes I do know that our relationship can be explosive at times. 

To those who feel that I cannot cope with the three children already then let me be the first to say, I agree.  But parents all cope in their own way, some like to be out and about mingling with others and being super parents at the park 24/7 but some just like to muddle on alone and not in the public eye while they are dealing with their children’s inability to behave.  And for me, I do prefer to stay at home and that is my decision.  To you it may appear that I cannot cope however I feel more in control when I can manage my children’s behaviour in my own house, my own garden rather than becoming that screaming fishwife in the local park who is constantly telling their children off. 

This decision that I have made will be at the front of my thoughts for the remainder of this pregnancy and believe me, it’s not easy thinking each day over choices being right or wrong.  My emotions have been especially torn each morning when my two younger children are screaming the house down because they cannot play nicely together without adult supervision.  My husband usually sees to them at this point because when I do eventually sleep it would take a nuke to wake me up and not world war 3 going on downstairs in the kids bedroom.  This is now driving him mad and today I felt ‘told off’ when he announced that I shall have to start seeing to the children when they get like that because it’s wearing him out.  Initially, I felt like starting an argument and pointing out all of the things that I do with the house and children that tire me out but I had no energy, my boobs feel like they are about to explode and my back, yet again is throbbing.  I just nodded and agreed but now I am worrying about it.  It does take a lot to wake me, I was always good with the children when they were babies but now their cat fights don’t seem to wake me.  I felt so sick at the thought of being told off and I don’t think he meant to make me feel like that but is this a taste of things to come?  I don’t think I could cope with all this again. 

On the other hand though, it is 9:45am and I am awake with the kiddies who are now playing in the garden and he is still in bed, but even still, he has been up and down to them early this morning.  Maybe I should start pointing out that I rarely stay in bed like that, once I’m awake I just get up and at ‘em.  Or maybe I should just leave it?  Why cause an argument just for the sake of making a point or standing up for myself?  I don’t want to argue but hearing that this morning has made me feel so bad in myself.

The Tutor

Friday 8^th July 2011

The battle-axe of a tutor wasn’t quite as harsh and ‘matter of fact’ as I was expecting yesterday.  I even caused her to chortle a little by saying, ‘I thought I’d give you extra to worry about over the summer holidays’.  She was very helpful in explaining the options open to me for the second year of my degree.

  Instead of taking a full year out now and having no money for a year, I shall start back in September and carry on with University until the baby is due.  This will however have slight implications, mainly with the School Based Training which I need to pass to move onto Year 3.  During the Autumn term I will be required to do a two week early years placement however some schools do refuse to take pregnant students so that could cause problems with finding somewhere to do the placement.  I am rather optimistic and hope that the schools will be quite accommodating because I won’t be that far along in the pregnancy by then. 

The other major placement I have is February to March where I will need to do a 6 week placement.  It will be impossible for me to do this placement because I should be about ready to spit out the watermelon.  Oh the pain!  What I will need to do is find a school who will accommodate me on a 6 week placement in May onwards.  Sounds simple but apparently a lot of school refuse to do this.  So, I may have to get used to the idea that I have already failed the second year of the degree course.  I refuse to be negative though and say why bother going back, I shall give it 100% and hope that I find a way to progress to Year 3.

All Change

Thursday 7^th July 2009

I’ve secured a ‘proper’ midwife appointment today.  I am in the middle of changing GP surgery, so I’ve found it very laborious getting the right information and even struggled to get an appointment.  The appointment I secured yesterday turns out to be at the Patrick Murphy Unit which is a bit like an abortion clinic and counselling session.  There is no way that I need to attend this now and thankfully it is now cancelled. 

So much has changed since I had my youngest four years ago.  There’s me faffing about worrying over registering at the GPs surgery and getting seen by the Doctor before anything could get done when all along all that I needed to do was a self-referral to the midwife team at Leighton Hospital.  The lady I spoke to today was extremely helpful.  She offered me a booking-in appointment next Wednesday which should last approximately an hour.  I remember this type of appointment from having the other three children however, it is new to me that this is now done at the ante-natal clinic at the hospital rather than at the GP surgery.  Are the NHS cutbacks that bad now that midwives are limited to staying in the hospital?

I am quite lucky that I live near to the hospital but I can imagine some women finding it very inconvenient to travel from the other side of Cheshire just for routine appointments that used to be carried out at their local surgery.  Then of course there is the £3 parking fee, maybe even more if there is a long wait at the clinic.  If there’s one thing I’ll never forget is that the ante-natal clinic at Leighton is never running to time and quite often I spent more than two hours waiting around.  This baby is costing me money before it is born….the sign of things to come.

March seems such a long way off at the moment but from past experience I must remain inpatient and enjoy what little freedoms I have before my life becomes completely taken over by sleepless nights and swollen nipples.  I need to prepare my nest and at the rate I work, March is far too soon for me to have this nest ready.  Time to get off my backside and get the duster out.

New Era

Wednesday 6^th July 2011

I was so tired after the hectic day yesterday that I slept like a log.  My eldest woke me early this morning to inform me that the cat was stuck on the loft roof.  A clothes prop and skipping rope later I was fishing for cat out of my bedroom window.

After a few more conversations with my husband I had a chat with a Midwife on the telephone.  She was very helpful and I now have more information to work with to move forward with this pregnancy.  It is very early days yet, approx. 5 weeks but even still, it’s scary and exciting.  It’s a new life that has formed and I cannot wait.

My Mother-in-law thought we were joking when we told her on the phone this evening.  She had her concerns regarding my health but was wholly supportive of our decision.  I spoke to my own Mum who seemed supportive but still had to ask if it was the right decision for me.  I was still quite upset by this.  It does lead me to wonder if my sister had the same conversations with Mum or whether they treated her differently.  I do need to stop worrying about how she is being treated compared to me but I would like some emotion other than anger or worry directed at me at some point in the future.

My mother is making me feel like I am disappointing her, she tried to change my mind again by pointing out all the bad things about becoming a parent again.  I love her deeply and do respect her fears for my health but I long to have that motherly support and approval which I seem to rarely get.  Even with my studies I feel that only my husband respects just how much hard work I put in these days.

We also told the children today.  Truthfully I would have preferred to wait until I was out of the danger stages but the children do jump on me and quite often on my stomach.  They also  treat me like a slave and usually demand something there and then with no room for negotiation if I’ve just sat down.  In order to get them to understand just how tired I am and how I need to take it easy, telling them about the baby was the only option.  They all seem thrilled and the younger two are already falling out over who will do the feeds at 2am.  I’m not sure that idea will last long.

Choices and Chaos

Tuesday 5^th July 2011

What a day !  If yesterday’s traumatic trip to the dentist was a challenge then this was my Everest.  I had planned a lovely relaxing morning, a little housework, a nice coffee and a catch up on some paperwork.  Sadly this didn’t happen. 

I did however get a fantastic text off my husband confirming that he had told a friend about my pregnancy.  So does this mean we’re having a baby?  Can I get excited fully yet?  Last night we talked through a lot of the issues and came to the conclusion that perhaps we can do this.  We can have four children and make it work.  The decision was aided by the very helpful lady at University who went through the financial options for me.  Even though I still need to finalise plans with my tutor it is still very possible to continue my course.

This morning  I was so overjoyed, I did what I needed to in town and returned home to have my relaxing day.  All the time I had been excited inside thinking ‘eeek, I’m having a baby’ rather than ‘oh, I’m pregnant’.  Five minutes into my relaxing time, the phone rang.  My eldest son had a headache at school and could I take him some paracetamol. I rushed to the shop as we had non in and delivered it to the school.  I knew he had an exam at last period so there was no way I was going to be soft on him.  Having just got home, the phone rang, he was now feeling sick.  At the same time the other phone rang, it was my daughter’s school.  Her toothache was bad and could I call in to give her some Calpol.  I rushed to the shop (I really need to stock up more often) and bought Calpol, rushed to school to administer the pain relief to the now happily skipping 6 year old and slumped in my car shattered.  I then rushed to the Doctors appointment that I had at 11:30 only to still be say there at 12:45.  I had to leave without being seen because my youngest needed picking up from nursery and dropping off at the Primary School for his taster afternoon ready for September.  We made it just in time for him to go in.  I was a proud Mummy until the eldest started texting me to tell me of his impending death from illness and could I rush to his rescue.  I hadn’t even stopped for lunch.  Picking my youngest up from school was lovely.  He really enjoyed himself and promptly fell asleep after a bowl of Ready Brek at 4:30pm.  Bliss.

And one more means four? More like chaos, but good chaos.

Coping or Surviving?

Monday 4^th July 2011

Had a small but meaningful chat with my Dad today.  He seems to have digested the news better than Mum.  They can’t make a decision for me but they can be there to support whatever option I choose.  My husband knows that I want this baby, I’ve opened up to him.  The thoughts of cruelty and un-want kept me awake again last night.  I look at my children now, pains in the backside at times but all unique and individual too.  They are lovely children who just seem a tad hyperactive at times.  I’m sure we’ll cope as a family.

I coped today at least.  Well, kind of coped.  It was more of a bad day turned hectic.  The Primary School was closed for a training day so not only was my daughter at home but my son was too because the childminder was taking a day off.  My daughter had toothache so I managed to get her to the dentist for an emergency filling.  The poor little live was ever so brave but she’s been in pain ever since/  If I can cope with her screaming and the youngest causing havoc in the dentists, I can cope with anything.

Selfish Excitement

Sunday 3^rd July 2011

I saw another close friend last night for a cuppa and a chat.  They too have had a baby taken from them in the same way which I am contemplating.  Before I left the house, my husband bared his soul, his pain and anguish at feeling so selfish in his thoughts regarding termination.  We shared a moment together, I fear we are both feeling this way.  We have our life together on track for the first time in many years.  I have made real progress the last two years both mentally and academically.  Would it be fair to bring another child into the world?  I fear the excitement within is consuming my thoughts more rapidly now.  He knows that I want this child, he also knows that if his decision is so strong and final that I will also stand by him and not go against his wishes.

Marriage is a partnership and we are only just discovering this after seven years.  What I cannot understand is that this decision is crushing me more than I expected.  I was sixteen when pregnancy first became an issue for me.  Abortion, termination, ‘getting rid’ never even entered my thoughts.  I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in a stable relationship at all.  I was a child myself.  So why now am I being more thorough in my judgement? What do I know now that I didn’t know then?  Is it my inner conscience telling me that I haven’t given my children the love and support they deserve already?  Is it just me being selfish thinking of nappies, weaning and the dreaded breast feeding again?  Perhaps I’m just older and wiser and have more touch on reality now with having three children already.  Time will tell.