Yummy in my tummy

I’ve discovered that I like writing when I’m munching on nice cakes and sipping a lovely coffee, usually not at home too.  On Tuesday I popped into Waitrose for a few bits and bobs and found myself writing away in the coffee shop whilst eating a lovely little nibble.  Economically, this partnership of writing with cake and coffee could be problematic but also what will I do when the summer holidays commence?  Six weeks of no ‘me time’ may sound like I’m selfish and resent being a mother but having finished University in early June it has become rather nice to just nip and have a cuppa in my favourite surroundings.

On reflection though I think it was mainly a way for me to escape a little whilst waiting for school to finish.  I was kind of excited and nervous at the same time because my youngest had been in school all afternoon on the last of his taster sessions.  I was excited to hear how he’d enjoyed school again but I was also nervous that he would be mad at me for abandoning him there. 

My husband and I did get to enjoy lunch at the school with him and the other new starters today before leaving him.  The lunch was amazing, stereotypical school dinners are definitely a thing of the past.  I’ve always laughed in the past when the school have raved on about their award winning chef but now I can see why.  The food is sourced locally and for £2 a day the children get to enjoy the most tasty dishes ever.  I’m not just saying this to blow smoke up their backsides, I personally would make Chef Ramsey look like a pussy cat when it comes to critiquing food.  The spag bol I had was dee-licioussss and the portions were good too with offers of second helpings! No wonder I rarely get my daughter to eat much of an evening. 

After a lunch and a quick play in the school woods it was time for us to abandon our son for the afternoon.  His sister was there trying to help but I still had to resort to the classic ‘dump and run’ manoeuvre that I’m sure many parents will be familiar with.  Dump him in the arms of a teacher and run for the car park.  I could hear him shouting ‘Mummy I want a kiss’ from the car but I didn’t go back, I just left.  I can’t even begin to describe how guilty I was feeling.  Perhaps I should have gone back to give him a kiss but he’d already had five or six before I handed him over, plus lots of snuggles.  For years I’ve had to endure a ritual of many kisses, hugs, and more sloppy kisses before the nursery staff or child-minder have had to prise him off me as if stuck to me by Unibond’s finest. 

With him going to school I felt he needed to break this habit a little.  This little bump protruding from my tummy is making it so hard to carry him everywhere or lift him up to cuddle him all the time.

On the edge

Sunday 10^th July 2011

Yesterday flew by so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to write anything down and apart from a bad back, sore boobs and lots of sickness there wasn’t much to report.  I have now informed the world of my stupidity in becoming a mummy again for the fourth time, the broadcast on Facebook was a necessity because my kids were dying to say things to their friends and I didn’t want other friends finding out by word of mouth. 

I wasn’t on Facebook when I had the other three children so never had to think of a way to announce it until now, how was I to know a lot of people would get upset?  Not because of the way I announced it but purely because I am pregnant again.  I fear that I shall have a few less friends over the next few months but that is their choice and I cannot influence that at all.  What they do need to realise though is that we haven’t taken this decision lightly at all.  Yes our life isn’t ideal, I do have my own health problems and yes I do know that our relationship can be explosive at times. 

To those who feel that I cannot cope with the three children already then let me be the first to say, I agree.  But parents all cope in their own way, some like to be out and about mingling with others and being super parents at the park 24/7 but some just like to muddle on alone and not in the public eye while they are dealing with their children’s inability to behave.  And for me, I do prefer to stay at home and that is my decision.  To you it may appear that I cannot cope however I feel more in control when I can manage my children’s behaviour in my own house, my own garden rather than becoming that screaming fishwife in the local park who is constantly telling their children off. 

This decision that I have made will be at the front of my thoughts for the remainder of this pregnancy and believe me, it’s not easy thinking each day over choices being right or wrong.  My emotions have been especially torn each morning when my two younger children are screaming the house down because they cannot play nicely together without adult supervision.  My husband usually sees to them at this point because when I do eventually sleep it would take a nuke to wake me up and not world war 3 going on downstairs in the kids bedroom.  This is now driving him mad and today I felt ‘told off’ when he announced that I shall have to start seeing to the children when they get like that because it’s wearing him out.  Initially, I felt like starting an argument and pointing out all of the things that I do with the house and children that tire me out but I had no energy, my boobs feel like they are about to explode and my back, yet again is throbbing.  I just nodded and agreed but now I am worrying about it.  It does take a lot to wake me, I was always good with the children when they were babies but now their cat fights don’t seem to wake me.  I felt so sick at the thought of being told off and I don’t think he meant to make me feel like that but is this a taste of things to come?  I don’t think I could cope with all this again. 

On the other hand though, it is 9:45am and I am awake with the kiddies who are now playing in the garden and he is still in bed, but even still, he has been up and down to them early this morning.  Maybe I should start pointing out that I rarely stay in bed like that, once I’m awake I just get up and at ‘em.  Or maybe I should just leave it?  Why cause an argument just for the sake of making a point or standing up for myself?  I don’t want to argue but hearing that this morning has made me feel so bad in myself.

The Tutor

Friday 8^th July 2011

The battle-axe of a tutor wasn’t quite as harsh and ‘matter of fact’ as I was expecting yesterday.  I even caused her to chortle a little by saying, ‘I thought I’d give you extra to worry about over the summer holidays’.  She was very helpful in explaining the options open to me for the second year of my degree.

  Instead of taking a full year out now and having no money for a year, I shall start back in September and carry on with University until the baby is due.  This will however have slight implications, mainly with the School Based Training which I need to pass to move onto Year 3.  During the Autumn term I will be required to do a two week early years placement however some schools do refuse to take pregnant students so that could cause problems with finding somewhere to do the placement.  I am rather optimistic and hope that the schools will be quite accommodating because I won’t be that far along in the pregnancy by then. 

The other major placement I have is February to March where I will need to do a 6 week placement.  It will be impossible for me to do this placement because I should be about ready to spit out the watermelon.  Oh the pain!  What I will need to do is find a school who will accommodate me on a 6 week placement in May onwards.  Sounds simple but apparently a lot of school refuse to do this.  So, I may have to get used to the idea that I have already failed the second year of the degree course.  I refuse to be negative though and say why bother going back, I shall give it 100% and hope that I find a way to progress to Year 3.