Deep Contemplation

Thursday 30^th June 2011

I think my Husband is now over the initial shock of being told that his sperm was being too efficient again and is now thinking things through logically.  I can tell that a fourth child isn’t on the top of his priorities in life right now.  To be honest, it didn’t feature in my life either.  My body is already showing slight changes, my boobs are sore and I now know why Actimel isn’t shifting that bloated feeling I’ve had for a few weeks. 

The throbbing in my head is so immense from the pressure of trying to decide what route to take with my future.  What path should I turn down? Do I extend my already chaotic and hectic family or do I make that awful choice to look after number one for a change and concentrate on those already special in my life? I couldn’t sleep last night, I fear tonight will be the same.

To be or not to be?

Wednesday 29th June 2011

Today I found out that I am to expect the patter of tiny feet for what feels like the umpteenth time in my life.  There are people around the world who would be overjoyed at this news and others who would have that feeling of falling rapidly into Alice's rabbit hole.  Unfortunately, I am in the latter group.  I say unfortunately because I already have three wonderful children but have also lost three wonderful babies before they were born.

At this moment in time I am in fear of telling my Husband and family.  I fear there will be a general consensus that I cannot cope with a fourth child.  The three I have are very demanding in their own ways and I do struggle to do day to day activities because of the mental exhaustion that plagues me.  My family will ultimately be worried about my mental health because they are the ones who had to help me re-build my life four years ago after the birth of my third child. 

There are financial implications that I fear may be a deciding factor for the future of this unborn child.  Do materialistic things such as money matter when it comes to the creation of new life?  Can anyone truly afford children?  I need to do some serious thinking, I can envisage a lot of caffeine and sleepless nights ahead of me now. 

To terminate a pregnancy sounds so harsh and cruel.  The word abortion isn’t one I truly want to think about.  I am 32, I can do this, there is already a twang of excitement deep inside me but I know it will be short lived when I deliver the news to others.